What Does It Mean to “Cross the Bridge?”

When someone does something that impacts us personally, we instantly interpret their behavior in a certain way. Our interpretation, which I am calling our story, is influenced by many factors including (but not limited to) our previous history with the other person, our mood on that day, childhood experiences, and our general level of trust in others.

Our feelings and our story are closely connected. But they are not the same, and it’s important to distinguish between them. We could say that our feelings arise from our story. And although our feelings are valid, our story is based on limited information and there is a chance that it’s incomplete or incorrect….

This is the choice point in a conflict. Are you willing to step into the unknown and consider the possibility that there’s more going on than you know? If you are willing to do this, then you have something to work with because any new information you receive has the potential to alter your story and give you a larger perspective on the situation. As this happens, your feelings start to settle down. That can be the beginning of reconnecting with the other person and resolving the conflict.

— Crossing the Bridge by Trime Persinger, pp. 59-60

When I was young, I saw the world through the lens of black and white. I judged every action as right or wrong, good or bad. I believed that I always knew the “good” and strove to achieve it (and impose it on others). At a deep level, though, I believed that I was fundamentally “bad” and could never measure up to my own standards.

If you are familiar with the Enneagram, you will recognize my Type 1 pattern here. But this post is not about the Enneagram. It is about how to overcome the self-limiting beliefs that each of us carries inside. These deeply held beliefs emerge from our unique internal wiring and from our myriad life experiences, and they form a subconscious filter through which we interpret our world. By default, they strongly influence the story we initially tell ourselves about any situation.

We can live inside these beliefs for our whole lives if we want to, convinced that all our stories are true. But we don’t have to. If we want to build internal resilience, improve our relationships with others, and expand our world view, then it helps to be willing to consider the possibility that the story we’re telling ourselves isn’t the final word.

We can use various techniques to try to “see things as they are” rather than through the lens of our filter. We can meditate or pray, we can read books, we can listen to media that expand our thinking. We can also shift limiting beliefs right inside a conversation we’re having with another person, even during conflict, by repeating back what the other person is saying to us.

The skill of “repeating back” is taught as a way to validate the other person and build connection with them. But learning and practicing this simple skill did way more than that for me. It utterly transformed my whole world view. For when I started repeating back some version of what was being said to me, I could see the logic in what the other person was saying. I still might disagree with them, but I slowly started to realize that their views were as valid to them as mine were to me and that they always had reasons for believing what they believed.

This is what it means to cross the bridge—to see people as they want to be seen, to recognize the wholeness of the person you’re talking with. You don’t have to agree with them about anything. It’s your willingness to be curious, to explore their perspective, to honor them as a fellow human being, that matters.

But what about you? Well, it turns out that when you take a sincere interest in others, they often return the favor. Crossing the bridge does not mean that you don’t matter; it means that you put aside your own perspective for a time and give your attention to the other person. And if they don’t return the favor by taking an interest in you, you can start expressing your thoughts anyway—after you have done a good bit of listening and repeating back. If that doesn’t land well, you can bow out.

The point is, conversations—even difficult conversations—can be a fluid dynamic between you and the other person. This fluid dynamic becomes possible when you cross the bridge by taking the same interest in the other person as you would like them to take in you.

In my own life, I have found this to be a reliable way to build, and even heal, relationships. I’m less reactive than I used to be, and more present with the other person. In an interesting twist, crossing the bridge has also helped me be more present with myself. I don’t have to be “right” to be “here.”

When you cross the bridge you step into the unknown, being willing to suspend your story and make room for someone else’s. You don’t even have to think about it; you just repeat back what they said to you. And the ground starts to shift beneath your feet, revealing a world you never dreamed of—a world of deeper connection and more expansive thinking.

It’s a journey worth taking.

*You can read more about this in my book, Crossing the Bridge: Heal Your Relationships with Courageous Communication, Chapters 7 and 10.