Your Anger Doesn’t Need a Target

Whether we’re blasting outwards or fuming inwards, blaming someone always makes things worse. Removing the target, and claiming our anger as our own, fuels insight and effective action.

The way we talk about our anger matters.

Many years ago a wise person said to me, “Your feelings are valid, and they’re nobody’s fault.” Hearing those eight words rocked my world; I still feel their impact. For if my feelings are nobody’s fault, then what about my anger?

Until that point in my life, I deeply believed that other people were the cause of my anger. I believed that if they would treat me better, or stop being so selfish, or behave more responsibly, or just do things the way I wanted them to, then I wouldn’t be angry. That seemed so obvious to me that I never questioned it or even thought about it.

Until I heard those words. Here they are again: “Your feelings are valid, and they’re nobody’s fault.” WHAT??? Over the ensuing decades, I have come to understand that my anger might be triggered by the actions of another, but that person is not responsible for my internal (or external) reaction. The other person or situation might be the catalyst but they are not the cause.

My anger belongs to me.

Since then I have worked to claim my anger as my own, exploring my felt sense of anger and reining in my accusing mind. Then my world was rocked again during a spiritual retreat I was attending. An exercise we did one morning upset me deeply. I contained my outward reaction but inside I was frustrated and angry. That evening, we had a debrief in which we were invited to say how the exercise had affected us. Most of the participants had enjoyed the exercise and expressed appreciation for it.

My turn came last. Because the question was so direct, and because I trusted the emotional safety that had been created by the retreat facilitators, I expressed my frustration with the exercise. The facilitator tried to settle me down. I don’t remember what she said, but her words got under my skin and I told her that she was not helping me. Another facilitator spoke up with a similar comment, and I hit the roof.

I yelled, “I’M ANGRY!!!!”

Gloria, the staff member who had facilitated the morning exercise, was standing at the back of the room. I looked at her and yelled, “I’M ANGRY WITH YOU.” Then I said to the facilitators, “JUST TELL ME IT’S OK TO BE ANGRY.” I yelled this two or three times, growing increasingly upset. Finally, a third facilitator spoke up and affirmed that it was, indeed, OK for me to be angry, and I started to settle down.

The intensity of my anger shocked the other participants, and further group processing was done. Then we closed for the day. I went to my room not knowing what to think. I felt relieved that I had been able to fully express my anger, for once, and it had not caused the sky to fall. At the same time, I knew my outburst had frightened some people and I wasn’t sure about anything.

The next day, another participant pulled me aside during a break. She gently pointed out how my anger had been misplaced. Gloria had conducted the exercise according to instructions she had been given and did not deserve my rage. Further, there were racial overtones to what I had done—me, a white woman, had lit into an older Hispanic woman and left her no room for self-defense. The power dynamic was unmistakable.

That conversation was another turning point in my life. I thought about the words that had been said to me so long ago: “Your feelings are valid, and they’re nobody’s fault.” I realized that I had never understood their full meaning. In claiming my anger, I had been leaning into my felt experience but still thinking that I was angry with someone or something. Subtly, I was still blaming others as I had blamed Gloria. I was still thinking like a victim.

My big lesson was this: the way I talk about my anger, to others and to myself, matters. I no longer say that I’m angry with anyone or anything because the word “with” implies a target. Instead, I say I’m angry about something. Changing “with” to “about” helps me to claim my anger as my own.

Perhaps the next step for me will be for me to say simply, “I’m angry.”

For now, though, saying that I’m angry about something gives my anger a context without giving it a target. I no longer identify as a victim; I’m all here, including my anger. I get to claim it and explore it and hold it in tender awareness without letting it take over. It really is all mine.

No target is required.

I share deeply about my journey with anger in my book Crossing the Bridge, in which you’ll find helpful insights about how to express yourself when you’re angry. I invite you to join me in taking a deeper dive into Courageous Communication by reading the book or in a personal coaching session.

You can purchase Crossing the Bridge here or book a free half-hour session with me here.