Disagreeing

It can be easier to fight with someone than to disagree with them.

My son Ryan and I disagree frequently. We have long conversations in which we present ideas and push back against each other. Through our conversations we have both expanded our thinking.

I also disagree frequently with my friend Aaron. Those disagreements feel like battles. My thinking doesn’t change, and neither does Aaron’s.

What’s the difference?

With Ryan, I feel respected and cared about. Ryan listens to me and considers what I say.

While I know that Aaron cares about me, his manner is brusque and sometimes I think he says things just to get a reaction from me. He seems to relish the battle. I don’t believe that Aaron has any real interest in my perspective and, when he goads me, I have no interest in his. I just want to be right.

No wonder it feels like a battle.

Deep down, I care about Aaron too. I really don’t like the sense of disconnection I feel each time I hear him make a provocative remark.

So what am I to do? I can stop taking the bait. I can use the same skills with Aaron that I use in the rest of my relationships. I can take an interest in his perspective, trusting that it makes complete sense to him and being willing to explore that.

Who knows? I might learn something along the way. More importantly, I might keep my heart open to Aaron instead of shutting him out.

This is not easy. My instinctive reaction with Aaron is to tense up and protect myself. So when he provokes me, I need to follow my own advice—pause, take a breath, and cross the bridge.

Underneath it all, I want Aaron to “get” me, to appreciate me the way Ryan does. I’m guessing that Aaron wants the same thing— to be seen and appreciated. His directness is his way of getting my attention.

Aaron and I are more alike than I thought.

I share more about disagreeing in my book Crossing the Bridge, in which you’ll find suggestions for navigating difficult conversations and simple disagreements. I invite you to join me in taking a deeper dive into Courageous Communication by reading the book or in a personal coaching session.

You can purchase Crossing the Bridge here or book a free half-hour session with me here.